It's all in your head

Here is the latest editorial I printed in the Spirit, which was passed out to all those attending the annual meeting today. The two parishioners who read it in advance told me they were a little insulted, as they felt it was written directly to them. The bossman told me to print it, anyway. He thinks it won't hurt them to be addressed, if they do indeed need to hear this. I am wondering whether they will call a special meeting to ask me to go away, if they are that insulted. We shall see...

We are all aware that there are triggers in our environment that bring about certain emotions. As mature adults it is up to us to determine how we display or "handle" those emotions. We think of them as being unavoidable and we may even rationalize poor behavior by stating that we, "couldn't help it," because we were upset. In fact, our society even allows a legal loophole for emotions by assigning a lesser sentence to those convicted of, "crimes of passion," than what is handed out to those whose behavior is considered, "premeditated."

The belief is that when experiencing intense emotions humans just can't control their impulses. But is that really true? Can we help it? Is our emotional center the heart, or is it really the head?

Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning it stems from another emotional source. Frequently this source is disappointment. Anger happens when expectations are different from reality. We expect others to behave in a preconceived manner: when they do not, we are disappointed and become angry.

By recognizing in advance that anger is a possible by-product of a situation, we have the ability to exert control over our behavior should anger surface. We can plan in advance to be in control: in effect, we can premeditate positive behavior.

So let us take a look around our environment. What triggers exist that might lead to negative emotions that need to be reined in? And better yet, what triggers exist that may lead to positive emotions? How can we plan to increase those triggers, thereby increasing our opportunities to react positively?

We have the power to change some of the triggers, either by making physical changes in the environment or by recognizing the precursor event and taking a preemptive stance. We can decide that when we encounter a situation that previously made us disappointed or angry that we will react according to the new plan.

For example, we can choose to be amused, rather than angered, by poor driving habits of others. We can accept that we will encounter people with questionable driving skills and therefore we will not be disappointed when they cross our paths--and we won't need to feel anger. We can crawl out of bed earlier and allow more time to drive to work or church so when we are slowed down by traffic there is leeway in our schedules.

We can realize that a spouse or child has different priorities and anticipate they will not necessarily remember to perform a task the way we want, such as pick up their shoes or shut the door quietly. We can recognize that sometimes we forget--and therefore accept that sometimes others forget. By anticipating the behavior, we can avoid anger.

And we can realize that, even in a healthy relationship, our behavior may not conform to the wishes of our loved ones at all times. We have the power to recognize behaviors in ourselves that can be adjusted to decrease the disappointment others may experience that brings about anger.

We do choose how we behave. We can practice politeness until it becomes second nature. We treat others with dignity and respect because we choose to do so. We have all heard that a man does not act the gentleman for a lady because she is a lady, but because he is a gentleman. Others do not force us to be polite--or to be rude. We do that on our own.

Maybe for Lent this year we might consider taking on the task of making considered decisions about how we act and react--and accepting control and responsibility. (This is a task I find even more difficult than giving up chocolate).